Mothers' day

Recent years I have
sent a gift to my mom
A poetry
or a T-shirt
whit mine and kids
finger-painting-marks
or something...

It has been important.

This time.
I have been thinking about it
a lot
already many weeks...
That I should send
something.
Even just a
postcard.

But I did not do it.

Not because I am
upset with her.
I am not
I love her.
She is sweet.

But recently
I see in me
I behave the way
I always hated
my mother
to behave

(Mainly getting upset
and shouty superfast
ans seemingly
with no reasonable reason...
Kids are a bit slow...
I am in a hurry..
They do not clean their room
when I think they should..
Always talking to them
with irritation)

Uh!
Why do I do that!
I just cannot stop.
I do it, I see myself doing it,
I feel it is not good.
I try not to.
But the moment I do not
concentrate on
not doing it
I do it

I am irritated,
I am shouting at them
I am knitting my brows
(I even feel the muscle pain in my face)
I am being terrible...

Terrible...

For no reasonable reason.

How can I change?
I know my mom has not changed
(so I can not ask her)
But I want to be different
I want my kids to have it differently
I want them to be different parents.

Of course
It does not mean I do not love
or respect
or think often about
my mom.

Hmmm

Maybe I should ask her anyways
Maybe she does not even know these things about her
This automatic behavior
At least for me it is
automatic.