Friday, May 26, 2017


In a loop

I am here again

I have been here before
many times...
And I promised myself the last time
(any of these times)
that I am not conna
come back
I will do it

Here I am.

I saw it coming
I saw the vehicle turning
to its usual bath
I did nothing
I did not fight
I had promised

In this same loop


Monday, May 15, 2017

Mothers' day

Recent years I have
sent a gift to my mom
A poetry
or a T-shirt
whit mine and kids
or something...

It has been important.

This time.
I have been thinking about it
a lot
already many weeks...
That I should send
Even just a

But I did not do it.

Not because I am
upset with her.
I am not
I love her.
She is sweet.

But recently
I see in me
I behave the way
I always hated
my mother
to behave

(Mainly getting upset
and shouty superfast
ans seemingly
with no reasonable reason...
Kids are a bit slow...
I am in a hurry..
They do not clean their room
when I think they should..
Always talking to them
with irritation)

Why do I do that!
I just cannot stop.
I do it, I see myself doing it,
I feel it is not good.
I try not to.
But the moment I do not
concentrate on
not doing it
I do it

I am irritated,
I am shouting at them
I am knitting my brows
(I even feel the muscle pain in my face)
I am being terrible...


For no reasonable reason.

How can I change?
I know my mom has not changed
(so I can not ask her)
But I want to be different
I want my kids to have it differently
I want them to be different parents.

Of course
It does not mean I do not love
or respect
or think often about
my mom.


Maybe I should ask her anyways
Maybe she does not even know these things about her
This automatic behavior
At least for me it is

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Ideas fade away

I have many plans
many great idea
what I wan to do
what I want to achieve.

sometimes I even
get a hold on some
and work for

but i cannot do it
when i want
I can not concentrate on
when I feel inspiration

the others go first
the ones who need nurturing
who just want to
show a picture they draw
or explain
a lego-creature-machine
they had just built
or tell a story
or ask for a sandwich
or get instructions for writing a letter
or have a massage
or talk

and even if I have a moment to
I just sit
and stare
and be
do nothing
because there is no
bower left

I come as last
not least because
the others are not in a safe zone
in a good place
I just cannot concentrate on
anything else.

and the ideas often just
fade away
fade away
fade away...

I am a mom