Shaking

I am shaking
I feel
there are some standards
that I have to
keep up with.

But
I am not convinced
that
they are
the essence of
the content.

Just
some kind of
show
that needs to be
played.

Or simply faked.

Just
to give
impression.

I am divided
but also
see that
not pretending and faking
might give
even worse
impression
or even
misinterpretation
of the
content.

So
I better
fake
(that I am not
shaking).

Fail

I was unprepared
without knowing it
I prepared
but not for what
I was supposed to...
And
I had
no idea...

I have been to these situations
before
many times
many-many-many times
but the most resent one
was already about
5 years ago.

Amazing
what one can
forget
in 5 years.

All these
small professional details
that were so easy
and ordinary
back then.
Now this ordinary
became a hard work
that I did not do,
although, I thought I did.

To reveal more -
I gave the worse
possible presentation
ever and
made
all possible mistakes
one can make.
I realized it
during the presentation.
And still carried on
without stopping myself.

Uuuuh.
What an embarrassment.

I surprised myself
really-really surprised.
I used to be good
and really entertaining
and focused.
How could I be so bad?!
How did I became so bad?!
How did I end up in this kind of situation?!
I had no idea.
And I just carried on.
Embarrassment till the end.

Lucky,
It was just a rehearsal.
I can do better!
I can do the opposite!

I am better! I think...

I want to be..

the child
that is in me

the girl
that is in me

the happiness
that is in me

the kindness
that is in me

the laugh
that is in me

the ease
that is in me

the melodies
that come form inside

the memories
that are stored in me

the doubts
that are in me

the heaviness
that is in me

even
the pain
that is in me

I want to be
ME

How does 'being kind to people' serve me?

I was told: you seem to be a kind person.
Hmmm. Yes. At least, I want to be.
How does it serve you?
Hmmm

Inner satisfaction.
Self-assurance -
I am kind, considerate, nice, good person
- it makes me feel good about myself.

Making connections.
Positive connections.
Better to be kind than not kind.
Kindness = politeness...
Others value me. more, maybe. Kind people are valued..

I do not intend to be the reason of someones negative emotions...
Is there even people who intend?!
Is it always unconscious?!
Of course,  I can not be responsible for others' feelings...
So, this argument does not work.
Even if I do not intend, I still can not assure
that they do not get offended...
I guess..

Starting to doubt.
How does it NOT serve me?

I sometimes/often get used by someone.
Some take me for granted.
I let them use me..
I like when they use me... self-destruction.
I do not stand for myself enough.
I am not sure of my (high) position.
Low self-esteem..
Hmmmmmm...

Need to look more into it...

Hammered

You get upset... and go
leaving all our evening duties to me.
Leaving all the responsibilities...
leaving...
I can relate to this
leaving is a good way to get over the heat
go-go! I can manage.

When you come back
You come back with the handful of nails
and a hammer.
You come to me
and start hammering
I realize I am just a blank for you
You need no conversation
My words just give you more power
for hammering..
I try to take the role
being the blank
And take these nails with consious mind
but sti... you do not finish before they are all in
many of them hurt and I start bleeding..

I see that you got your anger out
You calmed down
hammering helped you
That is good

But you do not see this blood and pain
that it made me lie into
I need some time now
just can not stand up and go on
Need to nurture and let go
heal
make sure nothing gets infected
before I can continue.
Hammered.

Stop bullying myself

So
I am happy
I am funny
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am interesting
I am thoughtful
I am caring
I am sunny
I am smiley
I am gifted

Also
I am simply awesome!

So
I stopped saying
negative things
about myself
At least
I try.

Do not have to apologize

For
what
I have done

For
what
I have created

For
what
I have thought

For
what
I have disturbed

For
what
I have written

For
what
I have shaken

For
what
I have mistaken

For
what
I have became

Because
it all
came
from my heart