Tuesday, September 29, 2015


there are already
few days
full of
good news!

Everything is going
according to plan
and even better.

Just need to
suck it in
and enjoy
as much
as possible!


Sunday, September 20, 2015

Ma söön oma stressi ära, kui see pole mitte...

Ausalt öeldes pole mul õrna aimugi, mis see
"see" olema peaks, et ma oma stressi
ära ei sööks.
Muutkui söön ja söön.
Andke juurde!
Eriti hea on midagi rasvast.
Ja siis veel veidi magusat sinna vahele.

Kõik ei ole ju halvasti,
katsu olla rahulik,
mu mõistus ütleb.
Aga keha ütleb:
"Süüa ja magada!"
Viimase rikub ära jälle mõistus,
mis muutkui ketrab ja ketrab
neid mõtteid, mitmesuguseid.

Kui oskaks vaid korjata kokku
selle valu ja rahutuse,
pettumused ja mured,
ka raevu ja viha.
Sulgeda ümbrikusse ja
saata ilma adressaadita teele.
Las nad siis rändavad
kuni väsivad.
Ja siis hääbuvad
uhkes üksinduses
nagu ikka hääbutakse.

Ma üldse ei jaksa enam
neid lõbustada ja
neile tegevusi välja mõelda
ning nende pättuseid heastada.
Aitab küll!

Thursday, September 17, 2015


What you feel about others
does not say anything
about them

It only reflects

Thursday, September 10, 2015


You contact me: 
- Hi! How is it going? Long time since we last saw. I am coming to your town. Would it be possible to see you and maybe you could offer accommodation if I decide to stay longer. 
- So nice to hear from you! How is it going for you? Would be really nice to see and host you. 
- Ok. Then I would probable use it. Where do you live? Do I need to take sleeping bags or something? Btw, I am coming with a friend, I hope it is ok. 
- You know, I can not promise 100% that I can host you. We are having difficult times in the family now (I would not like to explain it). Who is this friend that you are bringing? For sure, you would not need sleeping-bags with us. 
- Ok, there are other places to stay in Helsinki too. But would like to meet you, if possible. I have had colorful life and the friend is my new special boy-friend. 
-You really seem to have a nice life. I am happy for you.We live in M. I am free from and need to leave in the morning at 8.45. Would be nice to host you, but still, can not promise as the life is really stressy because of various thing (some I explain). 
-Ok, I can look around for other places.
Me (later) : 
- I hope you found accommodation. I really feel that I would not be a very good host. Really stressy recently.
- The other places are not concrete jet. We'll try to find something fast. I promise, we would not be loud and make no stupidities. 
- Hmm, of course you could come if you can't find anything else. But He might come home this night too and would rather not have anybody here. 

And then you call in the evening when I am already preparing to  get the kids asleep: 
- What is your address we could arrive in an hour. 
-Eees, so you did not find any other accommodation?
- Ou, is it ok if we come, all the other places did not work out.
- But my husband is also arriving tonight and I promised him that he can just be and relax at home finally without any people he does not know.
- Ou, butyou know I do nto need much. You do not have to social with us and we do not take much space. 
- You know it is not about that. It is about being anf feeling free and relaxed at home with familiar things and people. He does not even know you. 
But it is already late and as you do not have anywhere else to go. Of course, you can stay here. The address is A5.
- Ok, we just come and sleep. You do not need to worry about us. 

While they come I get kids to sleep and thinking even happily that I can go and pick M up from the airport as there will be someone home with sleeping kids. 

They come. With happy cheerful mood although got a fine in the metro. I think it is nice that they came, it is nice to hear some laughter. I offer them some tea and bred to eat and go to get M from the airport. When we come back they have been eating. 

M takes some beer but as we do not have more int he cold we offer whiskey to the guests. Bottles stay on the table. 

We talk, they talk. We all laugh a bit. 

Wiskey is being poured more. And then more, and more. It is not us, who pours. It is them. He starts insulting a bit. Not much but still. Then, slightly after 1am I decide that I need to sleep now. Walk the dog, clean the table. The others also agree - sleeping time. 

We all go. I massage M and talk to him for some time before being able to sleep. 

In the morning wake up as usual. Get kids ready and we go.

There is no sign of them - still sleeping. Ok, let them sleep, it was rather long night. Ont he way to town I tell that they can just leave the house - the door will close itself. And not make noise as M needs to still sleep. 

20min after I left M sends me message that they are playing piano. I try to call but their phone is off. 

Get hold to them 1,5h later wisheing good morning and asking if they left the house. No, they are still there. They thank for the stay. Ask me if I am coming back home - no, I am working in town. I tell, again, that they can just leave as the doors closes itself. And not wake up M. 

2h later calls Mike who is walking the dog. They are still here. He had been waiting for them to leave before waking up but they never did. He had offered them coffee. They seems to be drinking but maybe it is just apple juice. 
I get furious.
I promise to come home and see what is going on. It takes me 40min to go. I leave the library. 

Mike calls again when I am already int he metro. We agree that he checks if they really are drinking and if so, he will kick them out. And I do not need to come. 

He calls me back. They are gone now. They had been drinking about 0.5 liters of whiskey this morning. M does not have cheap whiskeys and they are his favorites. So, maybe for about 50EUR. And probable some of their own beers too. Drinking, drinking and never thinking to leave. 

I am furious.

I call you to tell that you are not welcome to my house anymore. I do not wish to hear anything from you again. I do not respect you anymore as you did not respect any of my hospitality. 
You just say it is embarrassing and you are sorry.
No, it is not embarrassing, it is just disrespectful. I do not accept anyone to behave like this with me.

Being a bit calmed down.. 
I am sorry that your new special person is irresponsible alcoholic. I am sorry that you saw where we keep our boos. Sorry, to offer it to you and your friend. Sorry, that you are so weak person that you let these kind of manipulators in your life. Yees, he seemed nice in the beginning but he was drunk all the time!
I am sorry, but I am not able to deal with you kind of persons right now. You have to find your own way out. In fact, I have seen you like this before - it seems to be a great part of your life to deal with these, alcoholics, manipulators. I do not need it in my life. I do not want it. I will just walk away. We used to be friends but I know and feel that I can not show you the way out. You have to find it yourself.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I am sorry

Does it say anything
about a person
and the way he lived
how are his last days
in this life.

I have always thought that
dying should be
somehow dignifying
summary of
the existence.

Especially when you have time
to still be alive
and slowly go
think about
what have been done
solving the undone thoughts
looking into the eyes
of your loved ones
and making peace
with them
and yourself.

does it say
when the one person
that should be
the closest the most caring
is instead
manipulating with you
the last days
of your life
and making you do
embarrassing things.

Does it say
that your life was
put up on manipulations
and lies
without love
or caring
or it is just bad luck
that she does
these mean things
at this fragile times
and anything
for not
letting you go
in peace..
Maybe it is her way
to accept
by being
so evil

I am sorry

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

To let go

I want to know
what happens tomorrow
I want to know it
every day
Looking forward to the next mornings
Looking forward to the next moments
Enjoying the present ones
I love life!
I love everything
that is around me
inside me
It is so much fun
so interesting
so many things to discover
and learn
I want to learn
and grow
every moment
every day.

So difficult
to magine
what does it mean
thet you have
only some short time

How is it possible
to let go?