Thursday, March 8, 2018

Power of words

I would like to be able to master
the Craft
of Words

To be able to express myself
in this powerful and Beautiful way
fully

But anything I say
or write

sounds simple
too simple
too simplified

I do not know enough
synonyms
in any language

I cannot play with Words
that I have no knowledge

and my brain cannot digest
them all

Frustrative

Friday, March 2, 2018

Winter is in spring

Winter is here
finally

The evenings are so Cold
but our fireplace gives warmth
and it is nice

The mornings are Cold
and slippery
The Little cravel-road
Wakes me up
with a shock
every morning
when the car start sliding
towards the sides
and for a sec
I am not sure
if we are gonna make it
this time.

So far
so good.

It is Cold
all the time.
I do not mind
I do not mind.

But birds are singing
and the sun is shining
sometimes
with the intencity
of the spring.

I know.
Nothing lasts forewer.
So
Enjoy
The
Moment

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Me ei uskunud
Aga sa ikkagi oled seal
Sa lamad seal
Kirstus

Su kirstu kõrval seisab su pere,
Vanad ja noored
Mõned liigagi noored
Lisaks kulmukaarele
Ja ninajoonele
On ka see neil viimastel ühine sinuga
Te olete selleks liiga noored

Ka meie seisame
Klimp kurgus ja silmad vesised
Mõtteteravus vajunud
halli uttu.

Me keegi ei usu,
Et sa nüüd kohe ei nihuta end
Ei keera end ringi
Sest kõhuli on ju mugavam
Magada
Või ei ärka, ei tõuse
Ja ei hakka sebima
Ei saada enam
Neid reede südaöiseid kirju
Põhisisuga: KIIRE

Aga sa ei hakka
Me ju teame seda
Kuigi ei taha
Uskuda

Nii me seisame
Ja otsime tuge
Vaatame läbi udu
Kuid südames on tänu
Et tulid
Olid
Inspireerisid
Õpetasid oma olekuga
Mõjutasid
Kasutasid
Ja andsid edasi ning tagasi
Intensiivselt
Ja ülevoolavalt
Ikka hingega kohal

Sina läksid aga meie jääme
Silmades kurbus hajub aeglaselt
Ja ebaühtlase kiirusega
Kuid siiski
Kui laulame su sõnu
Ja vaatame üksteisele silma
Ja südamesse
Ja homsesse
Mis tuleb ja tervitab
Ja kutsub edasi

Jäävad su naerulohud
Su pere naerulohkudeks
Su peopesad
Teistele pidulistele
Su mälestus
Meile kõigile

Oli au

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Why am I here?

I just do not know.
How did I get here?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
Why is it good for?
Or even
Who am I?

I have higher education
but I am stupid.
I cannot speak properly
I can write even less
and it feels that
everyone thinks
I do not know things

And, in fact,
they are correct
I do not know
things here
because
I am not from here. 

I am starting to feel
that they might be right
more and more
So many things are new
that are so trivial
to them

I am in the group
and listen
and it is so tiring
to follow
all the time
what is going on.

but I know
that I have to
in order to
fit in
one day
and be accepted
and be able to work
and be able to achieve somethings
that would make my heart sing.

But it seems so far, so far
away.
And i am tired
so often.
Feel helpless
and stupid...

Also. When these thoughts come...
It would be so much easier to
not let them in.
Just continue
Carry on listening and reading
and talking and writing with mistakes
wishing that there will be less and less mistakes
in the future.

But. These thoughts come
and cripple me   
and do not go away
so easily.

I wish they did.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Expectations

Have confidence!
Be a good mother!
Be professional!
Take care of others!
Walk the dog!
Keep clean!
Make good healthy food!
Take care of yourself!
Be a good listener!
Participate in conversations!
Have good humor!
Be sharp in expressions!
Be helpful!
Know what you want!
Have focus!
Learn fast!
Be bright!
Be on time!
Look neat!

Again, have confidence!

It is too much...

Thursday, October 26, 2017

I have missed the trains

It seems to me
that everyone
i building up their carrier.

Working where needed to
get experience
Learning what needed
having a concrete
and thorough
structure

But I don't
I am messy
I get excited about everything
and I am not specialized on
anything

Sometimes I hope
everyone is just
good pretenders.
But in fact
they hardly are
They just know
what they like
I do not.

Have I missed this train...

And then
there is this other train
training and being fit....
I do no sports

I should I really should
I know how much I could
benefit.

But when? where? how?
It is dark in the evenings to go
for a walk or run
and I am tired by then...

Daytime passes in the office
evening with kids...

The train is gone?

Ouh, I am just
making stupid excuses, I know.
Instead of pulling myself together
and doing something with my life.
Changing something.

But
I
do
not.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

I just need a hug

I am sick
Stupid sickness
Could not speak nor swallow
for two days

I was put to quarantine
by my family
my man, especially
who is so afraid of sickness
just before an important work-trip
I get it

But I relised
how lucky I am
having people around me
every day
having hugs and closeness
every day
touching is so important

I get it only
when I can't get it

Almost burst to tears
when my son came to me
in the evening
just before bedtime

He said:
"Mommy
one day
when you are not sick anymore
I would like to hug you."

Uuuh,
cannot wait for this day!

I am so lucky!